I am certainly motivated by achievement. And, it's not that I'm necessarily thrilled by the prospect of being better than my peers. It's more that I like to know what my limit is. How far can I go if I work hard. I have a lot of passion - and I have a tendency to get really excited about various things and then go full on into them without thinking about the level of committment neceassy to follow the project through to completion. I'm getting better at this though - now that I recognize I do it. Cycling isn't a fleeting passion for me... I am committed to getting better. I really do want to know what my limits are with my cycling... although I have to remind myself of that when I'm training - because it hurts and I think that by default, when we are in physical pain, our minds try to tell us that we don't have to be doing this. And, I'm a fairly rational person. So, when I'm on my trainer and I'm uncomfortable my rational mind says "if people knew you were doing this, putting yourself through this, 4 or 5 days a week... they would think you're nuts." And my rational mind also tells me while I'm training "why are you putting yourself through this when you're not really going to race that seriously. I mean, it's not like you're trying to be the best in the province or anything".
Last year those voices won... I still got faster, but I knew I wasn't going to be racing so I could let my mind win. This year I'm being stronger mentally! Those voices pop up and I think - it doesn't matter because I want to know how fast and strong I can get... and, I'm not going to know that until I suffer... often. Yeah, it would be nice to win a couple races (who doesn't like to be good at something!). More than anything though, I want to meet my personal goals... and, if I can do that and I still feel I can improve... then I'll continue training.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
More on being competitive
Good advice from Roy and Christine... as I was walking out to my car after work I thought... right now, I may be racing through life - not cycling. Finding the balance is a difficult endeavor. I keep thinking - next week will be easier, slower. We all know that next week never really gets here. I'll work on it!
Getting back to my competitive streak:
Saying that my competitive urge was largely absent during the rest of my high school years and a few years beyond that is mostly true. Yeah, there was the on-going competition of who could get the highest and drunkest - but, I never really took that too seriously. There was the time that my best friend and I decided we'd have a competition of who could kiss the most boys in an evening - that only happened once (waking up the next morning with the knowledge that you stole first kisses - filled with meaning for those boys and as part of a game for yourself - was an awful feeling... and, of course, having to deal with those boys on Monday morning at school was really awkward).
When I began undergrad I had the impression that I was the least intelligent person in any of my classes. I would have to! I didn't make it into university due to my grades - I made it in due to my age. I was admitted only part-time - and, if I wanted to continue with my studies I'd have to maintain a certain average. In order to 'get by' - I overcompensated. I studied every spare moment I had. I made great notes, read the textbooks and started studying the material right away instead of waiting for the tests to come. Even when I got my grades back - they were good... but, if I'm getting grades this good then everyone must be getting grades this good. It wasn't until the following year through some casual conversation that I learned that I received the second highest mark in my class. I learned this through a guy in my class - who tied with me for that mark... his fiance got the highest mark in the class. Well, this guy had a competitive streak and by me matching his mark in that class it meant that I was worthy of his friendship and was now the person to beat. I only half-heartedly took up the challenge - I was more concerned with finding out how well I could do then really beating him in marks. As university progressed I was taking off probation and I continued to get the highest marks in all my classes (unless that guy beat me). I had a great time! Lots of friends, lots of partying on week ends, and I loved learning. I didn't succeed in all my classes though. I tried taking 'genetics' and I was failing. I didn't want to have that mark on my transcript so I consulted the proff. He said "When I look at you Trudi, I see a girl that has never had to try to succeed. Everything comes easily for you. Here, you are challenged - you may actually have to work at something - and you want to just quit." That kind of statement makes me hungry to meet the challenge... but, I didn't want to pull down my average and I didn't need the course. So, I quit. That conversation stays with me.
I graduated with the president's gold medal. I went to graduate school... I think I made some poor decisions regarding where I did my graduate studies. I could have gone anywhere I wanted to. I chose Calgary - to work in a quite prominent lab. When I interviewed, I was taken by the challenge my potential supervisor gave me - to set up a behavioural lab in a molecular based lab setting. I did it, but after the first couple years - it all fell apart. Not that I fell out of love with my project, but my supervisor decided that he was no longer interested in behaviour - or my project. But, I was stuck with my project if I wanted to graduate in a decent amount of time. School became a real chore - I began loathing the idea of spending all day in a windowless lab with rats. Without any real support for my work (there were no 'psychology' labs around me - they were a few blocks away at the main university), no one to talk to about my project, no one to take interest... it just became a bad dream. So, I defended as soon as I possibly could - and even that was a challenge (my supervisor could care less about my career and future - my thesis was not a priority). Finally - that's behind me. PhD in hand - I'm ready to move on in life...
And that means racing! Training is going ok. I'm not sure I'm doing this properly... I biked (on the trainer - because in Calgary we have winter!) for 1:45 on Sunday, Monday was an hour, Tuesday I had no time for anything! and yesterday was an hour. Generally speaking they have been moderate intensity work outs - trying to spend the majority of my time in zone 3. Tonight I'm planning on doing about an hour or a little bit more vigorous activity - moving into zone 4. I think I have an odd heart rate though. I know I'm ok for speed (ending the season consistently at 31km/hr), yet my heart rate tends to be low. Am I not pushing myself hard enough? I tend to be around 145-150 bpm when I'm doing what I consider a zone 3 work out. May be I'm just not fit enough?
Getting back to my competitive streak:
Saying that my competitive urge was largely absent during the rest of my high school years and a few years beyond that is mostly true. Yeah, there was the on-going competition of who could get the highest and drunkest - but, I never really took that too seriously. There was the time that my best friend and I decided we'd have a competition of who could kiss the most boys in an evening - that only happened once (waking up the next morning with the knowledge that you stole first kisses - filled with meaning for those boys and as part of a game for yourself - was an awful feeling... and, of course, having to deal with those boys on Monday morning at school was really awkward).
When I began undergrad I had the impression that I was the least intelligent person in any of my classes. I would have to! I didn't make it into university due to my grades - I made it in due to my age. I was admitted only part-time - and, if I wanted to continue with my studies I'd have to maintain a certain average. In order to 'get by' - I overcompensated. I studied every spare moment I had. I made great notes, read the textbooks and started studying the material right away instead of waiting for the tests to come. Even when I got my grades back - they were good... but, if I'm getting grades this good then everyone must be getting grades this good. It wasn't until the following year through some casual conversation that I learned that I received the second highest mark in my class. I learned this through a guy in my class - who tied with me for that mark... his fiance got the highest mark in the class. Well, this guy had a competitive streak and by me matching his mark in that class it meant that I was worthy of his friendship and was now the person to beat. I only half-heartedly took up the challenge - I was more concerned with finding out how well I could do then really beating him in marks. As university progressed I was taking off probation and I continued to get the highest marks in all my classes (unless that guy beat me). I had a great time! Lots of friends, lots of partying on week ends, and I loved learning. I didn't succeed in all my classes though. I tried taking 'genetics' and I was failing. I didn't want to have that mark on my transcript so I consulted the proff. He said "When I look at you Trudi, I see a girl that has never had to try to succeed. Everything comes easily for you. Here, you are challenged - you may actually have to work at something - and you want to just quit." That kind of statement makes me hungry to meet the challenge... but, I didn't want to pull down my average and I didn't need the course. So, I quit. That conversation stays with me.
I graduated with the president's gold medal. I went to graduate school... I think I made some poor decisions regarding where I did my graduate studies. I could have gone anywhere I wanted to. I chose Calgary - to work in a quite prominent lab. When I interviewed, I was taken by the challenge my potential supervisor gave me - to set up a behavioural lab in a molecular based lab setting. I did it, but after the first couple years - it all fell apart. Not that I fell out of love with my project, but my supervisor decided that he was no longer interested in behaviour - or my project. But, I was stuck with my project if I wanted to graduate in a decent amount of time. School became a real chore - I began loathing the idea of spending all day in a windowless lab with rats. Without any real support for my work (there were no 'psychology' labs around me - they were a few blocks away at the main university), no one to talk to about my project, no one to take interest... it just became a bad dream. So, I defended as soon as I possibly could - and even that was a challenge (my supervisor could care less about my career and future - my thesis was not a priority). Finally - that's behind me. PhD in hand - I'm ready to move on in life...
And that means racing! Training is going ok. I'm not sure I'm doing this properly... I biked (on the trainer - because in Calgary we have winter!) for 1:45 on Sunday, Monday was an hour, Tuesday I had no time for anything! and yesterday was an hour. Generally speaking they have been moderate intensity work outs - trying to spend the majority of my time in zone 3. Tonight I'm planning on doing about an hour or a little bit more vigorous activity - moving into zone 4. I think I have an odd heart rate though. I know I'm ok for speed (ending the season consistently at 31km/hr), yet my heart rate tends to be low. Am I not pushing myself hard enough? I tend to be around 145-150 bpm when I'm doing what I consider a zone 3 work out. May be I'm just not fit enough?
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Competitiveness as a stable personality trait
I grew up a figure skater. Like most athletes, I was competing before I know what being competitive meant. I don't remember having a need to win back then - I just remember that I was supposed to win. I took it seriously enough - up at 4am to skate before school and then back to the rink after school. I spent a few summers around the time I was in 9th and 10th grade (I don't remember things based on my age - I just remember time periods) living with a strange family so that I could train in Barrie Ont (there is a very good skating school there). The first summer was great - the family was a non-skating family. The women was recently divorced and lived with her two children - the girl was quite a bit younger the the boy was around my age. I got along well with both of them (I've always been good with boys - likely because I have an older brother... and girls don't bother me, even though my relationship with my sister is often strained). The women would come and watch me skate once in a while - I didn't appreciate it as much then as I do now from retrospect. I saw here when I was in Barrie the following year - she had a different skater living with her that summer - she told me that we looked a lot alike on the ice, that I skated very much like the new girl. The new girl was Jennifer Robinson - about a year or so before she became "Jennifer Robinson".
The next summer was a disaster. I was placed with a different family - one with a girl my age who was also a skater - training with me. That part was great. The mom was also recently divorced. The girl was really lost and I didn't really know how to handle it. She enjoyed staying out late (we all do at that age)... but, she was in the habit of trying to make friends through sex. Especially at that time in my life, I had huge hang-ups around sex - and for very good reason (which will come out at some point). Suffice to say that I wanted nothing to do with it - and, the knowledge that I would have to (at some point in my life) engage in it... frustrated and scared me. With her engaging in it just to be friends with these guys (who were clearly using her for it) made me scared and disgusted. We got along very well - even though I made it clear that I did not think that she was behaving very well. I hated skating that summer. I cried every night... and on week ends, when I went home, I cried every Sunday. I didn't tell anyone that I hated it. I was grateful for the opportunity to be able to go to Barrie and train... but I hated everything about being in Barrie.
I quite skating not too many years after that. Essentially it came down to this... Mom said - everyone says you have to potential to do this... but, I need to hear from you that you're going to do this. Either you need to decide that you're going to the Olympics or you need to quit now.
I couldn't promise that I'd make it to the Olympics - and I couldn't deal with what the financial strain was doing to the family (It was actually my Dad's drinking that was wrecking the family, but may be it was the finances that was making him drink?) - so I quit. I quit. Cold turkey. And, I never - ever - skated again. For years. Now my skates are too small (the leather has shrunk) and I've moved on.... with some regret (not much though - because I know that were I was mentally was not where I needed to be to do what needed to be done).
I spent the rest of high school getting high and drunk. The next few years saw no competitive urges at all... but, there was certainly a restless spirit in me - there was more to life than what I was living.
Then I went to University... as a mature student (because god knows I'd never have gotten in with my high school grades!).
The next summer was a disaster. I was placed with a different family - one with a girl my age who was also a skater - training with me. That part was great. The mom was also recently divorced. The girl was really lost and I didn't really know how to handle it. She enjoyed staying out late (we all do at that age)... but, she was in the habit of trying to make friends through sex. Especially at that time in my life, I had huge hang-ups around sex - and for very good reason (which will come out at some point). Suffice to say that I wanted nothing to do with it - and, the knowledge that I would have to (at some point in my life) engage in it... frustrated and scared me. With her engaging in it just to be friends with these guys (who were clearly using her for it) made me scared and disgusted. We got along very well - even though I made it clear that I did not think that she was behaving very well. I hated skating that summer. I cried every night... and on week ends, when I went home, I cried every Sunday. I didn't tell anyone that I hated it. I was grateful for the opportunity to be able to go to Barrie and train... but I hated everything about being in Barrie.
I quite skating not too many years after that. Essentially it came down to this... Mom said - everyone says you have to potential to do this... but, I need to hear from you that you're going to do this. Either you need to decide that you're going to the Olympics or you need to quit now.
I couldn't promise that I'd make it to the Olympics - and I couldn't deal with what the financial strain was doing to the family (It was actually my Dad's drinking that was wrecking the family, but may be it was the finances that was making him drink?) - so I quit. I quit. Cold turkey. And, I never - ever - skated again. For years. Now my skates are too small (the leather has shrunk) and I've moved on.... with some regret (not much though - because I know that were I was mentally was not where I needed to be to do what needed to be done).
I spent the rest of high school getting high and drunk. The next few years saw no competitive urges at all... but, there was certainly a restless spirit in me - there was more to life than what I was living.
Then I went to University... as a mature student (because god knows I'd never have gotten in with my high school grades!).
How did this happen?
Why train? Why race? Both good questions... it happened like this.
2 years ago I borrowed a friend's road bike. My husband and I were looking for a 'bike' activity that we could do together... mountain biking wasn't working (He used to race and has no understanding of what a beginner trail would be. I spend most of my time walking up steep hills and off the bike in the brush on down hills... I had no technique, and because he's been doing it his whole life - he doesn't know what he does to be able to teach me. It was never a fun experience - leaving me feeling frustrated and like I sucked (which I did... but, no one likes to feel that)). I really enjoyed the road biking. Sure, he (my husband) may be faster than me (he used to race on the road too) but at least I can yell at him to slow it down - and, if I can improve my fitness then may be we can both ride at a good pace together! So, I bought a decent enough bike (Cannondale six-13 - with a nice, girlie paint job... same bike I still have - although I dream about the Wilier Cento uno) and started riding with my husband on week ends.
I started getting fit. Then comes out that stable personality characteristic... I decided that if I worked a little bit harder to get more fit - may be I could pass everyone on recreational rides (not that we ride as part of a group... I just mean when we're out riding to Bragg Creek in the summertime - I want to pass everyone else on the road). Not in a vindictive/you suck kinda way... just in a 'I can do this' kinda way. I'd still say hi as I passed... I wouldn't be mean about it...
This was last summer. It was a perfect time because I was writing up my PhD thesis - at home - which means that I had lots of time to do for a morning or afternoon ride. I wasn't 'training' for anything - I was just riding more and pushing myself a bit, with the hopes of increasing my speed. Some of my husbands friends are racers... and, if you're a cyclist you know that the subject of cycling has a tendency to take over conversations. Listening to them talk about training and bike parts and such would get me excited. I wanted to be fast too! As such, I decided I'd incorporate some basic training - hill repeats once or twice a week. Again - nothing too serious... it's not like I was intending to race, and I felt kinda silly working so hard for nothing. But, I was getting faster!!
By the end of the summer I was starting to gain some self-confidence. I was wondering if I was actually getting faster - and how that 'faster' compared to other people (especially other girls - seeing as I've only been riding with my husband). I was really nervous about riding with other people - what if I'm too slow and they have to wait for me!? I can't stand being "that" person (even though I don't mind waiting for "that" person... I just don't want to be "that" person. Is that bad?). So, I made an effort to learn about some women's riding groups - made contact with someone and planned my first ride with a stranger. Very scary... especially because she raced... which of course means that she's fast!
I was pleasantly surprised. It wasn't a 'hard' ride - I had no problem keeping up... and it seemed that my hill repeats had worked because I could kick butt up hills! From there it becomes a bit of a spiral... She asks if I've considered racing - I say not really (although secretly I'd love to... if someone thought I could win. But, I don't want to lose - so I'd rather not try too seriously... may be I could be a domestique? More on my "fear of failure" later..).
Now I've decided yes. I will try racing. And with that trying comes more serious training... which is where I am now. Except that I don't really know what I'm doing. I've been reading forums on-line, and books - I'm supposed to be working on aerobic endurance right now (not high intensity, specialized training yet)... and that's what I'm trying to do - but I'm not sure I'm doing it right... am I going to hard, too often? And food is a whole other game! Yes I'm a girl - which means I have highly ingrained ideas around eating behaviours. Those have to go! I don't want to lose weight... but, I don't want to gain any either... AND I certainly don't want to lose muscle by not eating enough (or not eating the right foods at the right times). Oh! So much to consider.
It's already almost the end of January... I've been biking about 4 times a week and X-country skiing once a week. I try and do 3 aerobic (just under anaerobic - zone 3ish) rides and one high intensity ride. I try and do strength once a week... and I'm trying to eat enough low fat, high carb foods to grow muscle mass but not increase fat levels. I don't know if this is going to work... If I'm going to start my spring riding at or above what I ended with last summer. I guess we'll just have to wait to find out.
2 years ago I borrowed a friend's road bike. My husband and I were looking for a 'bike' activity that we could do together... mountain biking wasn't working (He used to race and has no understanding of what a beginner trail would be. I spend most of my time walking up steep hills and off the bike in the brush on down hills... I had no technique, and because he's been doing it his whole life - he doesn't know what he does to be able to teach me. It was never a fun experience - leaving me feeling frustrated and like I sucked (which I did... but, no one likes to feel that)). I really enjoyed the road biking. Sure, he (my husband) may be faster than me (he used to race on the road too) but at least I can yell at him to slow it down - and, if I can improve my fitness then may be we can both ride at a good pace together! So, I bought a decent enough bike (Cannondale six-13 - with a nice, girlie paint job... same bike I still have - although I dream about the Wilier Cento uno) and started riding with my husband on week ends.
I started getting fit. Then comes out that stable personality characteristic... I decided that if I worked a little bit harder to get more fit - may be I could pass everyone on recreational rides (not that we ride as part of a group... I just mean when we're out riding to Bragg Creek in the summertime - I want to pass everyone else on the road). Not in a vindictive/you suck kinda way... just in a 'I can do this' kinda way. I'd still say hi as I passed... I wouldn't be mean about it...
This was last summer. It was a perfect time because I was writing up my PhD thesis - at home - which means that I had lots of time to do for a morning or afternoon ride. I wasn't 'training' for anything - I was just riding more and pushing myself a bit, with the hopes of increasing my speed. Some of my husbands friends are racers... and, if you're a cyclist you know that the subject of cycling has a tendency to take over conversations. Listening to them talk about training and bike parts and such would get me excited. I wanted to be fast too! As such, I decided I'd incorporate some basic training - hill repeats once or twice a week. Again - nothing too serious... it's not like I was intending to race, and I felt kinda silly working so hard for nothing. But, I was getting faster!!
By the end of the summer I was starting to gain some self-confidence. I was wondering if I was actually getting faster - and how that 'faster' compared to other people (especially other girls - seeing as I've only been riding with my husband). I was really nervous about riding with other people - what if I'm too slow and they have to wait for me!? I can't stand being "that" person (even though I don't mind waiting for "that" person... I just don't want to be "that" person. Is that bad?). So, I made an effort to learn about some women's riding groups - made contact with someone and planned my first ride with a stranger. Very scary... especially because she raced... which of course means that she's fast!
I was pleasantly surprised. It wasn't a 'hard' ride - I had no problem keeping up... and it seemed that my hill repeats had worked because I could kick butt up hills! From there it becomes a bit of a spiral... She asks if I've considered racing - I say not really (although secretly I'd love to... if someone thought I could win. But, I don't want to lose - so I'd rather not try too seriously... may be I could be a domestique? More on my "fear of failure" later..).
Now I've decided yes. I will try racing. And with that trying comes more serious training... which is where I am now. Except that I don't really know what I'm doing. I've been reading forums on-line, and books - I'm supposed to be working on aerobic endurance right now (not high intensity, specialized training yet)... and that's what I'm trying to do - but I'm not sure I'm doing it right... am I going to hard, too often? And food is a whole other game! Yes I'm a girl - which means I have highly ingrained ideas around eating behaviours. Those have to go! I don't want to lose weight... but, I don't want to gain any either... AND I certainly don't want to lose muscle by not eating enough (or not eating the right foods at the right times). Oh! So much to consider.
It's already almost the end of January... I've been biking about 4 times a week and X-country skiing once a week. I try and do 3 aerobic (just under anaerobic - zone 3ish) rides and one high intensity ride. I try and do strength once a week... and I'm trying to eat enough low fat, high carb foods to grow muscle mass but not increase fat levels. I don't know if this is going to work... If I'm going to start my spring riding at or above what I ended with last summer. I guess we'll just have to wait to find out.
Monday, January 25, 2010
What's this all about anyway?
Hi. I suspect that this will mostly be a diary for my own purposes, but hey! If someone else gains some insight from it... or cares to share some insight with me - all the better!
Life is full of cycles - we change and grow continuously - cycling through life. This past year has been full of changes for me - completion of cycles and the beginning of new cycles. I have gotten married, bought a house, defended my PhD, and started my first 'real' job. And, that doesn't even begin to describe the multitude of insights and revelations therein. I plan to write about my past (I think many people who know me would be surprised to learn about my past) - as I'm inspired to do so based on what comes up in life - while also documenting my adjustment to what is now my life... Real life hey. I wonder what's in store.
Also, seeing as one of my main focuses right now is getting into tip-top shape in order to enter my first summer of road bike racing... the title of my blog is somewhat fitting. I'm pretty competitive by nature (that may be a bit of an understatement)... but, as I've recently come to acknowledge (through teaching "achievement motivation") I do have a 'fear of failure' (which, I can probably trace back to some early experiences at home - more about that at some later point). This fear of failure provides me with challenging levels of anxiety and worry - certainly in my career, but will also be a challenge if I do start racing this summer.
I will be chronicling my training journey and my race season. I very much welcome any tips you have regarding my training (in cycling or life). Also, my husband and I are looking forward to a cycling trip to Italy (He really wants to climb the Stelvio pass... hence I best get training)... I will tell you all about how that goes.
Right now - I have to get my lectures prepared... I'll be back to outline my training regime. (I think writing about it will be good - hold me accountable).
See ya!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)